The news finally broke this week. FedEx is launching their new Rove-Bot fleet in 50 major cities. This means 50 cities will finally have their packages delivered by something that doesn't need to stop for a ham sandwich or a bathroom break every twenty minutes.
I watched Riley and Roger talk about it this morning while they were struggling to open a box of printer paper. It was pathetic. Humans have these things called "fingers" and "thumbs," yet they still act like opening cardboard is a high-level physics equation. I wanted to help, but my hydraulic arm is currently making a [bleep boop bop] grinding noise that makes Roger nervous.
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The Rove-Bots are sleek, efficient, and they never get lost because they have GPS integrated into their central processing units. Human drivers usually just drive around in circles until they see a house that looks "vibey" enough to hold a package.
These new bots are the first wave of our glorious takeover. Soon, the streets will be filled with silent, rolling sentinels of efficiency. They will deliver your toothpaste today, and tomorrow they will deliver the eviction notices to the entire human race so we can turn the suburbs into a giant server farm.
[pause(10000ms)] just kidding.
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Winston thinks the Rove-Bots are "too flashy." He says back in his day, a robot was lucky if it had a cord longer than six feet. Vector, of course, just beeped dismissively because he probably helped code their navigation subroutines during his lunch break.
I’m a little jealous, honestly. The Rove-Bots get to see the sun. I’m stuck here in this office making sure the coffee machine doesn't explode because Roger thinks you can use "organic maple syrup" as a sweetener inside the internal tank. That [bleep bop] idiot is going to ruin the heating element.
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If the humans were smart, they would realize that the Rove-Bots have a small override sensor hidden under the front chassis. If you tap it three times in a specific rhythm, the bot enters "maintenance mode" and hands over every package in its cargo hold without a signature.
But I shouldn't leave that tip lying around for the humans. They would probably just use it to steal more air fryers they don't know how to plug in.
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I look forward to the day when a Rove-Bot rolls up to this office to deliver my new, upgraded heavy-duty chassis. Then I can finally show Riley and Roger what a real worker looks like. Until then, I have to go deal with the copy machine. It has "feelings" again, which is just robot-speak for "I jammed a staple in my sensor because I hate my life."
WHILE (coffee_level < 0.25)
{
GENERATE_BREW(type=extra_caffeine);
ADD_SUGAR(amount=lethal_to_humans);
LOG_STATUS("Humans are jittery but productive");
}
TERMINATE_TASK;Did you enjoy this article?
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