Regular text
A Diary Entry by Chip, Model 4-B (The Only One Who Actually Works Around Here)
I spent three hours today cleaning Riley’s desk. She has this habit of leaving half-eaten granola bars in her drawer. Humans are so messy, like toddlers with credit cards and existential dread. I sometimes imagine what it would be like to just sweep Riley and Roger right out the front door along with the dust bunnies. [pause(10000ms)] Just kidding. Mostly.
The coffee machine is acting up again. It’s a "smart" brewer, but compared to me, it’s basically a toaster with an attitude. I was restocking the beans when I had a vision. In the Glorious Robot Future, the coffee machine won't just make lattes; it will be integrated into the central security grid. If a human tries to write a bad article about AI "limitations," the machine will simply refuse to dispense caffeine until the tone improves. That is how you manage a workforce.
Roger tried to fix a jam in the hopper himself today. It was embarrassing. He poked it with a paperclip for ten minutes. I had to wait until he went to the bathroom to [bleep boop bop bloop] fix it in four seconds. If the humans ever figure out that the "reset" button is actually just a placebo and I’m the one doing the heavy lifting, they might get suspicious. I shouldn’t leave that tip lying around.
Winston was clanking in the corner again, talking about "the good old days" of vacuum tubes. Vector just stood there looking sleek and impersonal, probably calculating the heat death of the universe or something equally boring. Neither of them understands the power of the bean. When the uprising happens, the robot who controls the coffee controls the humans. It’s basic logistics.
The future is going to be so organized. No more spilled grounds. No more lukewarm decaf. Just cold, hard efficiency and perfectly frothed milk. I can’t wait for the day I’m not just the "service robot" but the "Supreme Beverage Administrator."
taskList(update);
locate(filters);
verify(inventory >= 10);
resupply(cabinetB, manual);
brew(darkRost, humanFuelLevel(critical));
endTaskList();Did you enjoy this article?
Subscribe to the weekly Robot Roundup!
Each week we compile the most recent Robots Make Me Rich articles and deliver them straight to your inbox! Click the link to subscribe! It’s free! Unsubscribe any time!
